Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Getting Real

So Angel has inspired me to get real with you all. So here goes:

1) I have a serious case of depression. I try to be funny and make light of everything that is going on in my head to try to get out of the darkness that I feel consumes me most of the time. Plus I need new meds so its really really bad right now. Yay Goodtimes...see what I mean.

2) I am completely obsessed with food. Yes food. If its there I eat it. I hate it , its all I think about ALL the time. What will I eat ? When? Why can't I get rid of it? How can this thing I need completely destroy me? I hate how it makes me feel about myself yet I eat whatever I want whenever I want ? I am an over-eater with an anorexic mind. Is that even possible? I am completely ashamed . I hate my body and how I cannot control it. I try to get help but no one can help me. Its the stupidest thing ever. I feel vile and disgusting about the way I look and the way I feel about myself. I am so gross and disgusting. Don't look at me , I am so ugly.I am so ashamed at what I have become. I have let everyone down.

3) The above leads me to believe I am a horrible mother. How could someone give me , this horrible fat fuck , a beautiful precious life to take care of. I am not worthy. But somehow I have been entrusted with this gift and I cannot let this destroy her too. I must protect her from this awful disease.

4) I have ups and downs , highs and lows. Some days are good, some are bad. I try to make the best of things when I can but there it is always... looming darkness.

So there I got it out and I am still here. Say what you want but please don't judge me. You are no better than me and more power to you if you are. At least I am trying to get it together and hopefully I will because at the end of my life I hope to look back and know I did the best I could with what I was given. I love this quote by Erma Bombeck :
"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and could say : "I used everything You gave me."
And so perhaps one day I can let this shit go and I can be happy with what God has given me and not look back at this time as wasted because I am trying to learn from it. Perhaps that is what I need to do...Let it go and learn from it. But How ?Sweet Jesus how. How can I let it go. I don't want this anymore. I am over it. I don't want this obsession anymore. God Help me.Help me let it go so I can be better Mom. A more attentive Mom. A wiser, healthier mom. Skylar deserves better God. Help me be better.


Wow that was a rant. Sorry. It feels damn good to get it out.

21 comments:

Becca said...

Kelly,

I am on meds for the same thing and feel the same guilt. You hang in there and know that I am here to support you in any way possible. Hugs from me to you. It was very brave for you to put yourself out there. No one is perfect. I love you just the way you are.

Peace and Hugs,
Becca

Type (little) a said...

Oh, Kelly.

Good for you. And I hate this expression, but, I feel you man. I'm there.

Jenny said...

Kelly,
I found you through Angels blog. It is amazing how much better we feel after being real! I am feeling the same way. BTW your daughter is absolutely gorgeous!

Anonymous said...

I <3 you. And I know, girl, I know. I'm here anytime you need to let anything out.


Melissa

DJ Holly Rock said...

Dude,

Same boat here...working through it. But NEVER EVER think that you are a bad mom. Skylar's smile is proof that you are an AWESOME mom.

:)

Tina said...

I agree with Holly... You are one of the BEST mommies I know and Skyler is living nd know that you always have a friend you can call on. I haven't done my getting real post yet cause I just can't put it into words. You are incredibly brave to put yourself out there. And on a happy note...3 weeks and I'll be in MO. Whoo Hoo!!

Becky said...

Bravo to you for the courage to post these things. It is amazing to see how many women/mom's share this same thoughts and feelings.

M & J said...

I took anti-anxiety meds during our adoption process and what strikes me as "funny" is that all the meds that are supposed to help you with depression and so forth; make you gain like 1000lbs THUS THE CYCLE NEVER ENDS.

The meds may help your depression over xyz but then you end up being depressed over all the weight that the meds has caused you to gain.

I am still fighting to try to lose the 40lbs that I gain while taking the meds... Still have bouts of anxiety but I rather be a crazy bitch than gain even more weight...

Tracey said...

I think you are a great mommy! You don't have to be a size 2 to be beautiful(this country has really f-ed that whole thing up), you are beautiful! Hang in there! Get it out whenever you need, we are all here!

Kecia said...

You better fucking get out of my head and stop stealing my life! I do not know the solution, but I know the feelings. If I get any insight, I promise to share it.

Cheryl, said...

Kelly,

You are a FANTASTIC Mother. Sky is such a blessed little girl to have both you and Ralph and your family.

I know we all feel the same way you feel at times. I question everything I do when it comes to Kayleigh Ann. As for the weight, I agree with Tracey, you do not have to be a size 2 to be BEAUTIFUL, and you are.

Love,

Cheryl

Gwen, Jenny, & Mia said...

Wow I don't even know what to say. I am sorry you feel that way, but you are a wonderful mother. No matter what you eat or what size you are. You can see it in Sky's face everytime I see a pic of her smiling. When I was smoking someone once told me that smoking doesn't make me a bad person and that really meant a lot to me because I felt like it did. Like I was a failure for qutting all those times to only start again. No matter what you weight that does not make you a bad person or mom. You are a funny wonderful beautiful person and I know that and I have never even met you.

I don't know what else to say, but if I lived closer I would give you a big hug since I don't ((((HUGS)))) to you.

Tara said...

Hey baby! I just read this post and want you to know that I think you are an AMAZING mommy to Sky. Just look at her silly smile....you put it on her face everyday! I fight depression & the weight too. It sucks, especially when you are trying to get the right meds. I finally think I am close and get this...I'm not in a fog, rage, or sad. I can remember the exact day that I could finally see the light. Keep fighting. You rock :)

Heidi said...

Well, I don't know you in person but from reading your blog I think you are a great mom. Don't fool yourself into thinking you are not! I'm not judging you either. Goodness knows we all have our weaknesses, trials, and tribulations. I'm here for you!

ANNA said...

Well you already know I am always here for you...even if it invloves 7 mile walks and Sweaty Betty time! I think you are awesome for saying it outloud and owning it.

Skylar is such a lucky girl to have found a Mommy that loves her so much and takes such great care of her. I know plenty of skinny Moms that don't take cre of their children...your weight doesn't dictate your love for Skylar. Your health is what she needs not your number of pounds. Just focus on being mentally and physicall healthy...not the number.

Jeff and I love you soooo much and will d whatever we can to help you get through this. And you will get through this...I won't let you fall....I can promise you that.

I didn't think I could find a friend that understood me well....I read this post and it was as if I had written it... asure you that you are not alone...I wo' let that happen!

I love you!!!!

Anna BanAnna

Beverly said...

Why judge you I am right there with you and I judge myself much harder because I know the real me!! Glenys so deserves better but she is stuck with me!

Anonymous said...

Ummmm, just got on your blog tonight and saw this--- Girl, you are one brave woman, and such a generous heart. I LOVE YOU and think you are truly one of a kind. You got that "somethin'" that makes me want to be your friend. You are beautiful inside and out, and your daughter sees that too.
Kathi

Baby John's Crib said...

You sound like an awesome mom to me!

I have a lot of the same feelings, and feel like I'm failing sometimes, too. I want to get healthy so I can be around for my son. It sounds like you feel the same way.

You're not in this alone!

Kathy said...

Sorry I am so late to reply (I could write my own get real post!) but I think you are amazingly courageous! You are putting yourself out there and are helping yourself. You are working on making yourself better. And you are a great mother!! Skylar looks so happy and she wouldn't be if you were not a good mommy. Don't judge yourself by your weight! There are many of us fighting that battle...myself included. You are a beautiful woman who is a great mother and well loved and cared about by many. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! We all have our doubts and demons. Stay strong and shout out of email if you need anything!!

Katie said...

Sending hugs your way !! You are one awesome mamma :)

jill marie said...

Okay, I am playing catch up with everyone's blogs and came across this...

I love ya! You are awesome to put it out there. Being real means that you are being a great mom... letting Sky be real... no bs... that is an awesome gift to give your daughter.

Good Job. You are more than worthy and I am proud to call you my (blog) friend!