So Angel has inspired me to get real with you all. So here goes:
1) I have a serious case of depression. I try to be funny and make light of everything that is going on in my head to try to get out of the darkness that I feel consumes me most of the time. Plus I need new meds so its really really bad right now. Yay Goodtimes...see what I mean.
2) I am completely obsessed with food. Yes food. If its there I eat it. I hate it , its all I think about ALL the time. What will I eat ? When? Why can't I get rid of it? How can this thing I need completely destroy me? I hate how it makes me feel about myself yet I eat whatever I want whenever I want ? I am an over-eater with an anorexic mind. Is that even possible? I am completely ashamed . I hate my body and how I cannot control it. I try to get help but no one can help me. Its the stupidest thing ever. I feel vile and disgusting about the way I look and the way I feel about myself. I am so gross and disgusting. Don't look at me , I am so ugly.I am so ashamed at what I have become. I have let everyone down.
3) The above leads me to believe I am a horrible mother. How could someone give me , this horrible fat fuck , a beautiful precious life to take care of. I am not worthy. But somehow I have been entrusted with this gift and I cannot let this destroy her too. I must protect her from this awful disease.
4) I have ups and downs , highs and lows. Some days are good, some are bad. I try to make the best of things when I can but there it is always... looming darkness.
So there I got it out and I am still here. Say what you want but please don't judge me. You are no better than me and more power to you if you are. At least I am trying to get it together and hopefully I will because at the end of my life I hope to look back and know I did the best I could with what I was given. I love this quote by Erma Bombeck :
"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and could say : "I used everything You gave me."
And so perhaps one day I can let this shit go and I can be happy with what God has given me and not look back at this time as wasted because I am trying to learn from it. Perhaps that is what I need to do...Let it go and learn from it. But How ?Sweet Jesus how. How can I let it go. I don't want this anymore. I am over it. I don't want this obsession anymore. God Help me.Help me let it go so I can be better Mom. A more attentive Mom. A wiser, healthier mom. Skylar deserves better God. Help me be better.
Wow that was a rant. Sorry. It feels damn good to get it out.