Tuesday, December 8, 2015

RA Sucks, Sero Negative RA Sucks Even More

SO I haven't been here in quite a while but I need to get this out.

I have Sero Negative RA ... basically I have RA and all symptoms of RA but it doesn't show up in my bloodwork.

I was also diagnosed with Latent Tuberculosis and cannot take any RA medications until its treated. I cannot take Tyelonol or drink alcohol for the next 9 months because we have to clear up the Latent TB. I cannot tolerate DMARD's, the usual RA meds that help so many and I cannot take IBprofen because it hurts my stomach.

SO basically I am in hell.

Sure I try to laugh it off, make jokes, say I am fine. I am not fine, I am pissed off and in pain ALL the fucking time. Somedays are better than others but those days are getting further and further apart.

Please don't feel sorry for me. Please try to understand I just need to get it out.

I don't cry anymore because my hands are useless. The fatigue is a bitch and I am so weak. I guess this is me now?

That pisses me off.

Folding laundry, cleaning, all my wifely duties (insert sarcasm) are incredibly hard for me to do. Thank God for Ralph , he picks up my slack and I feel like a piece of shit sometimes because I know its not easy. He never complains. He is truly in it for better and for worse. I know I can be a complete asshole and I cannot be easy to live with.

I am a good person dealing with some fucked up shit.

Its changing me. I don't think its necessarily a bad thing. Its giving me a different perspective.

Life lessons.

Still pissed today. I have every right to be.

Chronic pain without pain killers sucks.

Tomorrow will be better. For now just smiling through it.